On Love and Letting Go
Photograph By: Nandhu Kumar
Of all the things I’ve had to let go, possibility has been the hardest to release…
I woke up this day to a clear Sun rising and realized there is nothing quiet about silence. A Love Supreme on a frosty morning…October rain and tostones from Juncito’s…Injera and my mother’s honey colored hands…I am grateful for the kindness of memory. Eyes, like moving waters, invite. Time cautions that memories fade but sensations remain waiting to be relived over and….suddenly….I know that some day soon I will love you longingly…like memory loves time…but…I am still open.
Chapter 1
I eat clouds but crave yellow wild flowers...
Saw you when it was dark outside and remembered what it feels like to be hungry...saw you as the sun came up, my body sweaty, your hair no longer hiding your face as for a moment you let go of "misery". Lioness, your eyes betray you. They speak your truth even when you've disabled your tongue. It is going on 3am and for the first time in a long time sleep beckons my surrender before the rising of the sun. Right now, I want to sleep for days...sleep and be warm...care and be cared for...whispering secrets in broad daylight under wrinkled sheets and puffy blankets...next to you. You that leaves wet imprints of sweaty palms on my waist allowing for now to be now. You see, sometimes yesterdays are much too loud. As I write my mind keeps wondering off and I get lost in images...pictures of and lines from poems that remind me of...I think to myself and am humbled by loving…silently caring...missing that invisible me that exists somewhere between water and air.
Chapter 2
Late night delirium…
It is neither day nor am I sleeping but darling right now I am dreaming Ocean waves breaking over me begging the salt water Goddess to rescue me but my cheeks are still dry. I want your hand to cool me touch me on the crevice in between my breasts and sooth me reminding me to come up for air. 3:34 am I drink honey suckle juice search the heavens with my fingertips parting clouds like a woman's lips and discover that only rain is real.
Chapter 3
Desire and it’s consequences…
I can feel goosebumps under the long sleeves of the sailor striped sweater draped over my body. My head turns to the right and my eyes peer out of the small basement window. Outside the silver fence glistens boastfully. Rain falls clear but deliberately visible. Sky dark and humble tugs at my heart...and I am in love. Office still cold smells like the red candle gifted to me by an almost lover back when possibilities way outweighed impossibilities...and sometimes...sometimes....yesterdays are just loud enough. I write...think of your voice...and contemplate calling, but my eyes remain on the screen and fingertips on the key board. I realize that what I'm craving is not simply the sound of your voice but the the warmth of your breath on my flesh. Temptation gets the best of me and my hand reaches for the phone. Once again I am met by your voice mail…so I hang up. Desire and it's consequences.
Chapter 4
...and now I exhale...
Some days dying is easier than others...Today I confront my greatest fear and die slowly on a cold day with eyes wide open and mind loudly conscious of my own heart's desires...Grasshopper, I let go and am born again.
Awareness is medicine. Until next time, be like water my friends…reflect and flow.
When you breathe, which comes with more ease : inhales or exhales?
Which one feels more pleasurable? In what way? Why?
What is the story of your relationship with the shifting of relationship shapes?
What is the story of your relationship with letting go?
What is the story of your relationship with unrealized possibilities and unfulfilled desires?
